I've had a lot of words and ideas applied to me since, well, forever. But avoidance was a new one yesterday. I've been mulling it over in my little mind since then, identifying and analyzing where and when and how I avoid things. Over 24 hours (I didn't sleep much last night) has resulted in the following conclusion: hair. Or, as it often presents itself in my life, Hair.
Growing up I had really long, really blonde hair. If you want to see pictures, feel free to stop by. They're not hard to find. Everyone loved my hair: long, blonde, thick, curled well, etc. For as long as I can remember, I've heard about how wonderful my hair was. I even remember writing up a "Things I Like About Myself" poster in second grade that was primarily about my hair.
My boyfriends loved my hair too. I think if I concentrate hard enough, I can remember a hand resting between my shoulder blades, playing with the ends of my hair. Doesn't matter who the hand is connected to, the hair is the important thing. Somehow my hair got caught up in my idea of what was beautiful about myself.
So why did I cut my hair? I got burned. I'm still smoking from it. The day before I cut my hair short, it was my best friend's wedding--I was one of eight bridesmaids. Somehow during the day I earned the name "Bridesmaid Barbie" because of my hair. That was annoying, but I snapped when ex-boyfriend showed up with his new girlfriend and dragged up everything I had buried in the past six months. I didn't want to feel that way ever again--still don't--so I cut my hair. The first time it was to my shoulders and I keep cutting it, shorter and shorter. My ideal cut would be a supershort pixie, but I don't think my face can take it. And I had a TA who had shaved her head for a part in a play. Thought about that too.
I'm not planning on growing my hair out, but I've started wondering if my hair is just the physical manifestation of whatever I'm avoiding that has kept me from really investing in guys (despite my guy-crazy tendencies) and kept guys from liking me.
If this sounds like an online pity party for one, well, it just might be. My apologies if you suddenly feel the need for a hair cut.
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5 comments:
Hmmmm. I had a teacher in high school who admitted to us that she did something similar--every time she felt things were out of control with the man in her life, she would cut her hair. By the time we met her, it was pretty darn short.
I've never seen your hair long, but I think it looks really classy the way you have it now.
I did much the same thing. I didn't like the way things were going and I didn't like that when I told people I'd just graduated, they assumed it was from High School.
I don't really like it now, though, and I don't think my face can handle a pixie cut either, though that was what I wanted. Pretty much, I feel some of your pain. Probably not all of it, but at least some.
Yeah, I kinda do need a haircut now that you mention it...
I did the exact same thing back in March, I cut my hair for the exact same reasons, and it screwed with my mind. I was so pissed at myself for letting that girl cut my hair. Though a lot of people around here don't like my hair, I love it and that's what matters. Hair is such an interesting feature. I find it to be one of my favorites. I really like the length of your hair right now, but it's what you like that matters.
Thanks, 3M. I like your hair too.
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