I've put up walls. I know this. In my mind, transparency is an evil to be avoided at all costs. And so I have. Avoided it at all costs, that is.
Part of it is that I like being the eccentric, mysterious intellectual. I can be a bit quirky, be addicted to my poetry and listen to the Shins and Death Cab and wear scarves. And I am this person. But the other part. . .
Part of it is that I'm terrified of getting hurt. Take down the walls, be a bit vulnerable, and people can leave you, ignore you, scratch you, beat you, etc. It's a very risky situation. So you (I when I say "you," I mean "I" or "me") put up walls. You avoid people situations. You become a recluse.
The thing is, I'm not that person. I'm not a recluse. I don't want to be alone. It's not just a romantic sense. I'm not sure how it happened, but somehow I've been presenting myself as shy, reticent, withdrawn, when that couldn't be further from who I am. Well, maybe it's a little bit of who I am when first met. But have more than enough personality and opinions.
Tonight I was more me than I have been lately. It was nice.
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4 comments:
If you want I've got a sledgehammer.
Have you seen "About a Boy?" I keep thinking of the "No man is an island discussions." It's true, no man/woman is an island, but I think most of us try to be anyway. Obviously, we use it as a defense mechanism. Still, what do we need to defend? Yeah, we don't want to get hurt, but maybe the solution is more in the direction of realizing the small stuff (i.e. am I smart, charasmatic, pretty enough to impress this shmoe who doesn't even know me) isn't that big a deal. You real friends aren't going to hurt you regardless.
"YOUR real friends" I mean. I hate not being able to edit posts.
I think about 57% of all our mutual acquaintances currently deal with this, while another 13% used to.
An acquaintance of ours was telling me she didn't understand how people could ever be "numb." I said I envied her for that. Seriously, after the Xth time you just don't have the energy or willpower, you know? You're looking for something to come rescue you from it....
And I have to admit, you DO blog a lot. When I'm getting blog-reading-addicted I really shoul d keep ones like these more at the forefront....
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