Today I am feeling too guilty to function. Of course, when I think logically about it, I shouldn't be guilty. But, as always, I'm getting ahead of myself.
On Friday I spent the day at home studying (after I taught at 9:00), waiting for the internet people to finish our connection. I ran back to campus at 4:00 to pick up Sister and on the ride back to the house I promised (between her phone calls with Mother and Fiance) that I would help clean the house and the car this weekend. When we got back to the house, I was dizzy from a headache, so I decided to lie down (Master Fob, if that's wrong you can remind me of the rules next time I see you) for a minute. The minute lasted about forty and I woke up to LadyJane (a friend you will all meet in the near future) calling me to decide what time we were going to dinner before the English GSA movie night (yes, I'm such a losernerd). I agreed on the time and then realized I had about 15 minutes to pull myself together and go. So I get up and walk to the bathroom, which Sister is furiously cleaning. I apologize for falling asleep and guiltly say, "I told you I would clean the bathroom." Sister breaks her icy silence to tell me that I leave hair everywhere (it's definitely not her or our two other roommates. . . especially the really long brown hairs. . . ). I apologize again with Sister reprimanding me for never cleaning. I don't bother to explain--again--that I do clean, not that she cares, and when LadyJane comes I gratefully escape out the door, with Sister still shooting icerays at me. . . and now LadyJane.
Poor LadyJane had to listen to me try to explain my normally more-than-gracious Sister's issues with me, convince me to shut up, and then listen some more. I was worried about coming home to the same fight--when my family gets upset, we don't really talk. We just freeze everyone else out. But when I came home, Sister had left a day early to Bountiful with Fiance.
I went up to Bountiful the next morning to basically sit around and prompt my father to tell me that I'm not a terrible person or SuperBitch or whatever. I explained that I had cleaned the kitchen multiple times, etc. and that I wasn't dumping all maintenance matters onto Sister. He understood, but his idea is that if you patiently wait long enough, the freeze will end. He doesn't understand that it just makes the next freeze that much worse.
By the end of the day, Sister was talking to me again, mostly because Mom and LittleSister came back from New York. They had gone primarily to see Wizard. LittleSis was super-excited to show us what they had bought for us in New York--and, I admit, so were we. Presents are always good. First out comes Sister's gifts: two necklace-earring sets and a bracelet. I'm watching and hoping that there is another bracelet for me--it's one of the heavy carved wood bracelets I've been trying to find for months, but can never find one I love in Provo. They all watch Sister try on a pair of earrings and slip on the bracelet before pulling out my gifts: a pashmina and a scarf. Those of you who know me well are thinking "Perfect! Eg lives for and in pashminas." And normally it would be perfect, excpet neither of them are in colors that I'm wearing much right now. Instead, as Mom quickly points out, they are colors that match my bridesmaid skirt.
I don't really know how to follow that. The only thing that really comes to mind is "Damn" over and over again. But that really doesn't say anything. My dad pointed out to me this weekend that my life is going to be very different from Sister's or, for that matter, Mom's. This isn't really coherent with what I've just been writing, but I need to get it out of my head and onto the screen. I don't want my life to be like my mom's or Sister's--not that there is anything wrong with their lives. Mine just seems to be heading in a very different direction. I can see myself with my PhD and my tenure track position and my publications and my conferences. But I don't see myself--or want to see myself--as an old maid. During my rather distracted dinner with LadyJane I tried to explain to her this feeling I have that the guy I have my eye on is too good for me. But in reality, there's always the suspicion that a guy isn't good enough for me. (This isn't the case with current guy. Current guy is amazing on about a million different levels and if I knew how to approach him, I would.) But that sounds wrong. It's the suspicion that my life is supposed to be a certain way and I need to find someone whose life is supposed to parallel mine, who is wanting the same things or similar things. And it's becoming harder and harder to believe I'll find someone like that--especially since it seems that men who are after the same things I'm after are also after a someone more like Sister.
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2 comments:
You're a girl who is refreshingly self-aware and likes to think about the weightier issues. Maybe that's all you need in a guy to start things down the right track. While you're thinking about poetry and cultural maladies, he may be thinking about miscarriages of justice and traffic patterns. But at least there's an effort being put forth. At least you know he's capable focusing. Maybe you can find a guy who thinks a lot about making money, lots and lots of filthy money. Then you can think about whatever you want for the rest of your life. But the point is, don't be afraid to compromise your innermost values and dreams as long as you get something damn good in return.
I approve your use of "lie," EG. It is correct.
You should tell your sister that those brown hairs can't possibly be yours because, after all, your hair is strawberry blonde. :)
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