Friday, August 05, 2005


Two blogs in one night after months of silence. Or something like that. I know, it blows the mind. But I had a revelation tonight and I wanted to know what you guys thought of it.

I've been in a lot of lit and writing classes where the issue of the artist being mentally unstable has been brought up. A lot of the greats are thoroughly unbalanced. I'm not even going to give examples because you can supply them for me. And I've taken some comfort from these discussions because we all know I'm crazy. But here's where the revelation comes in--not sure how it ties in to the crazy aspect, but that's what it stemmed from tonight--I feel as if I'm waiting to do my great writing, or any writing at all for that matter. I'm waiting for a sense of completion. And I think that all my life I've expected that sense to come from a steady, serious relationship with a man. Hence all the dreadful blogging about that gender. But now I'm wondering--can that sense of completion come from something or someone or somewhere else? I guess this is a question for me to answer, but I wanted to know what you guys thought.

And Kapka, if you post, I will reply this time. Promise.

Must Love

Confession (that really is just stating the obvious, but it's me finally realizing what I'm about to say): I haven't been editorgirl for a long time. I'd like to pinpoint a certain night in Paris as the cause, but I know it goes back past that. Or maybe not. What has happened to me? I've become boring, quiet, irritable, ornery, snobby. I know I was all those things before, but now it seems to be maginified to a power I can't even enumerate. I blame things around me, things inside me, but tonight I'm realizing that it's just me. I'm not apologizing--no reason to apologize--but I haven't been blogging much because of that. And when I signed on to another discussion board I rejected editorgirl because I'm just not her anymore. I miss her. I miss who I was when I was in that role, even though I hated who I was sometimes as eg.

I went to a movie by myself tonight, something I really needed to do. And for the first time in months, I felt like editorgirl. I had my notebook out, I was writing down quotes, I was getting all giddy and worked up over the screen. Granted, it was John Cusack, but still. I was eg tonight.

I don't know who I'll be this fall. I'm not sure who I am now. But someday--someday, I hope I get to be eg again.

Template by Blogger Candy