I refuse to sit in the nice, comfy recliner in my therapist's office. Instead, I sit on the couch, which is. . . not so nice and comfy. But it allows me more control of the situation. I don't relax, I don't recline, and I don't squeak, which is the downside of nice, comfy, pseudoleather recliners.
Today was this odd day of breakthroughs. We talked about the normal stuff and still had 20 minutes of the session, which we filled in part by talking about John Cusack movies. (The man is amazing--and no, I'm not obsessed. It's just that when you've recently seen a Cusack movie, it tends to come up in conversation.) And then he (the therapist, not Cusack) asked if I was avoiding anything.
Of course I'm avoiding things, you idiot. I'm (1) human and (2) me. No more explanation needed. But this question led to a rather disconcerting conversation. He asked about relationships--not just romantic, but friends and family--and I realized something. I avoid relationships with "available" men. I know this isn't a shock to my friends, but it's easy to be blind when looking at yourself. I always joke that I sabotage relationships, but there's a lot of truth there. I sat on that damn couch and tried to think of one single (not married or seriously dating or otherwise unavailable) guy that I consider a good friend--and I don't have one. There are some cool guys in my ward who I'm getting to know. There are a few single guys in my grad program. But mostly I fill this weird little sister role with guys. I don't date. (I pointed out that I don't have time to date, but this is obviously a cop out, according to Hitch.)
This wasn't always the case. In high school I felt more comfortable with the guys than most of the girls. I dated. I went to parties. I flirted. More importantly, I had strong friendships with guys. And I still consider them my friends, but they're part of the past. And during my undergrad--not as many, not as tight, but still single guy friends. So what happened this year? Where have all the good (and by good I mean single and available) men gone?
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7 comments:
Des Moines.
.
This is a mystery I am often trying to solve on behalf of my many single and available female friends. And I checked out the Des Moines theory at great expence to myself and can fully attest to the badness of the theory.
In fact, all I have uncovered are false and bad theories. I find this distressing. Perhaps, if I hadn't got married, I would have been swept off into space by an enterprising alien race to diversify their own gene pool? I don't know. But when I do discover the truth about the location of all the single/notgay men, I will happily share it with you.
The theory I am currently investigating is that they have been eaten by their Xboxes.
Beats me. All the men I know are either married or gay. Or both.
Seriously, though, it's not SO unusual that your friendships are with unavailable people. Available people make difficult friends, and usually breakups and hurt feelings can ruin the beginnings of beautiful friendships.
Dang those hormones.
I know several people who have noted the same thing. I wonder if it is part of a natural shift. BF2 (yours) once told me that we wouldn't be friends for long because I would get married and it wouldn't be kosher (he always mocked my fascination with Leviticus). I was somewhat offended, but he was right (for several reason, as well as the above--I still relish the fact that I called him on his Lloyd-wannabe Fishbone t-shirt). There are many men whom I consider my friends, but there is an instinctive distance that shimmered in at some point. I struggled with it, even against it, initially, but now I don't think about it--and I don't think it is just marriage. I'd be interested to know if other people have felt it, married, single, etc.
Perhaps we tighten and shift the circle the further we get from a high school-esque scene. The more we realize the matteringness inside. The more we learn what we are for and what we can do with what we are. I don't know why that would be, but maybe it is.
Or maybe I'm talking rot.
Where have all the good (and by good I mean single and available) men gone?
I'm sure I don't have to actually SAY "they're all gay" for everyone to know that that's what I'm thinking..
This explains a lot of things. I wondered why I thought I made you uncomfortable. =)
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