Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Why blog?

I don't have a reason for blogging. Is that allowed? Can I do something just as release. . . catch and release? I blog for myself and my friends and whatever. I blog to hear myself think. E.M. Forester said something to the effect of "I don't know what I think until I can see what I say." Totally butchered it, but that's my idea. (Totally incoherent; on drugs)

Two thoughts

1. Jeff told me today he forgets that I'm a first-year (like him) because I seem to know everything and have everything under control. Well, at least I have one of them fooled.

2. I feel totally incompetent to be teaching. I'm too messed up right now. Too much theory in my head, not enough to do anyone any good. And can I write my seminar paper for 452 on the flaneur in contemporary poetry?

3. Bonus thought: I always hate being unattached, without a crush, but they (crushes) are so unconvenient (deliberate word choice). I wish I could just tell my brain "Hold off until someone makes a move at you." Of course, if I said that, I would be waiting forever. (Somewhere Trent is rolling his eyes at this. That makes me happy. And a little sad.)

4. Dammit, they keep coming. This was supposed to stop. But how am I supposed to stop remembering? I'm teaching my class and I think about how it's what Trent should be doing. I'm talking to a great guy and Trent comes up. He's everywhere for me on this campus. Everywhere except the new building, which means I'm spending more time there than I want.

5. Might as well hit an even 5. I want to write, but I'm not letting myself. I'm just holding back, waiting for so much emotion to drop away. I don't want to write poetry laced with loss. And the only image I can conjure isn't the one I want to leave forever. Plus it already has a name attached.


KapkaVictim said...


Anonymous said...

if it makes you feel any better, i am very happy you are blogging. and also, its ok to be messed up, and to feel loss, and to give that loss a name and a face and a smile and a penchant for jacking dudes. yeah. aa

Special K said...



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