Yes, I'm well-aware of the fact that my blog has had about twelve too many names in the past month or so. Eventually I'll probably work my way back to the original and brilliant "Bitter diatribe is redundant," but Kapka would and will gnaw my ear off for that one and I'm not ready at this time in my life to mimic Van Gogh. (Did that sentence make sense to anyone else?)
That being said, today has been a good day, so far. Got up, ate breakfast, showered, got dressed, did some writing/revising, went to church, realized it was supposed to be fast sunday, enjoyed testimony meeting (I usually just grit my teeth, but today was decent), decided it was time to go home after sacrament meeting, came home, ate scrambled eggs and chocolate chip cookies for lunch, etc., etc., etc.
I had another moment today where I realized that I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing--not just teaching and writing, but the whole grad school thing, right down to studying 20th century and contemporary poetry and planning on getting my PhD. Part of myself is terribly satisfied. The other part is screaming "What the hell do you think you're doing?!?!?" (complete with punctuation.) This is not practical, no one else cares, and would someone please explain why I want a PhD? As much as I love DPS and John Keating, poetry will not change the world. My studying poetry will not change the world. What if all I want to do is be married? And then I recoil at that suggestion. I'm not ready for marriage. I'm not even ready to date anyone. Which means the only thing I really can do is continue doing what I'm already doing. I just wish it wasn't such a lonely option.
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4 comments:
Welcome to the ranks of the purposefully single. We're really not such a bad lot, once you get to know us.
And at least you're IN grad school...
*attempts consolation and fails...
As long as it's colored icing. . .
"Yes, go about and get your degrees in law, medicine, business, but those are things that we do to sustain life, love, passion, that is what we live for!"
Okay, so 'tis not an exact quote, close enough for the intents and purposes of today. Really, the gospel, really finding the gospel is what makes life worth living, that's what gives meaning to the breath in the morning and the sob at night. All else is shapeless chimeras clambering for attention.
Something that struke me today in church and thought I'd share.
charlton again,
eg. i believe strongly that poetry can change the world. maybe not poetry by itself, but creative endeavor. i agree with kapkas comment (one of the best ever), but i am set on creation because when people connect through something you have created, you change them, powerfully. and that can change the world. -------read emersons essay "the poet" because its awesome. and i still want to konw what fob is and why the hell i havent been invited.
-aa
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