Thursday, March 18, 2010

this won't make sense. but you didn't come here for that.

I've always thought of myself as a sad person. Not depressed--although I've definitely been there--but sad. Not happy. I can't, well, for lack of a better word, spaz out in uncontrolled joy the way Lauren or Anna can. And sometimes I want to.

I was so excited yesterday to hear Stephen got into med school. So happy that I started crying as I walked down the street. So happy that I started thinking about what this would mean for him and his little family. And then, because I'm selfish, I thought about what this would mean for the extended families. And then

Well, you saw what happened. I started worrying that Stephen will successfully enter and complete med school, while I'm waiting to get into a PhD program. And suddenly--or not so suddenly--I'm worried that I'll die alone, without a PhD to keep me warm at night.

People talk to me as though I have this figured out. BA, MA, MFA, Chicago. And I really want to scream, "This wasn't the plan." And then whisper "Dammit," just for the drama.

If I'm being honest, a graduate degree was never the plan. I thought I'd get married by the time I wrapped up my BA. And this isn't why I'm sad--that's just who I am--I'm actually pretty satisfied with my single state of existence, even though everyone tells me I shouldn't be. But how else would I have been able to veer so completely off-track and still be headed forward?

I keep trying to erase this post, because it's not coming out the way I meant it to. I'm not sure what I meant, but this sure as hell isn't it.

Here's the thing: On Valentine's Day, I was in stake conference, listening to talks about love and commitment. And while the entire stake went googly-eyed sitting around me, I realized that I can't worry about that marriage relationship right now. It's distracting from what I want to do right now, what I'm supposed to do right now, which is write. Write, dammit. Since Feb 14, I've been more satisfied with my life than I ever have been before. (Some of that might be because I discovered TNT's Leverage, but I'm chalking most of it up to this realization.)

So the sadness. It's not really sadness. It's being serious and a little shy and probably too invested in this world I'm trying to create for myself. I used to be so ready to take on the world. And now I feel like I've been disappointed enough, I've taken my dose of humility, and I know that rushing the world doesn't mean that you'll meet the life you were expecting. You have to meet the world halfway--which means both of you have to move.


Joshua Radin just sang, "I should know who I am by now." Funny. I was just thinking the same thing.


Aaron Allen said...


I've had that exact same feeling recently. Just a huge lack of urgency on the falling in love front replaced by massive desires to write. very strange but also awesome. I'm grateful for it. Grateful for your posts too.

Th. said...


So write, dammit.

Lekili said...

All I can say is that you are brilliant and just being able to read your posts brings me a huge amount of joy and gratitude for what an absolutely amazing person you are.

"In the way . . ." said...

Pretty profound . . . I wish we didn't have to adjust for "life" so often, but I think you've done a remarkable job pushing your agenda forward, while taking "life" in it's course.

Anna B said...

it does make so much sense. also, i think that you're a gifted writer. truly. i said it out loud just a few nights ago. you are.

and, on top of that, you are also gifted in other departments. this blog is perhaps not the right venue--but you're gifted at friendship, generosity, creativity. seriously, you are good at those things in crazy, crazy ways. and you look like a pre raphaelite model. and you have great taste--incredible taste. anyhow. so, i think you're life--whatever it turns out to be--will rock.

Anna B said...


Jannifer said...

Great post! All I can say is amen.
PS I miss you!

Gina said...

Very nice post and great writing.

Saule Cogneur said...

I think you know who you are just fine. I think you know what you want just fine.

The problem is always reconciling what is wanted with what is currently obtainable. Priority 1 may always be priority 1, but what do you do when you've maxed out your efforts in that area and need to focus your energy on priority 2?

As human who like to be in control of our lives, I think it's really tough to accept that we've done all we can if all we can do isn't good enough to get us what we want.


Template by Blogger Candy