When I saw that this was the subject of my ward's RS lesson today my only reaction was a helpless "please no." When the Guy Smiley EQ president started the lesson off, I'm afraid my reaction was "hell no" and I tuned out, which was probably a blessing for every sister sitting, well, in that room. Had I listened I probably would have started screaming out of pure torture.
So: am I attracting the man I hope to someday marry? My instant response was to turn to my friend and say, "Yes, I am. He just doesn't exist." But it has led to about 30 seconds of deep contemplation tonight about my relations with guys in general, which in turn has prompted this entry to my blog when I should, as always, be writing yet another paper.
Since I came of age in this great Utah society, I have dated exactly two guys who were both ambition-free and short. I don't know what it is about an intelligent, ambitious, cynical chick that turns guys heads, but they all seem to find me--that is, if they have nothing better to do.
Among certain circles of friends (read: my roommates and other similar girls) I am known for having a new "crush" every other week. But in the past month or so, I have become crush-less. I'm actually quite happy with who I am and what I'm doing and where I'm going. Sure, I wish that I never got sick or had homework, but that I can deal with. There are a few guys who remain on my short list as "guys who I would date if they expressed a desire to date me," but none that I am, forgive me for this phrase, actively pursuing, which basically boils down to chats over ice cream with my girl friends.
This momentary time of clear headedness is allowing me to really evaluate what I am hoping for out of that distant future spouse that everyone tells me is looming on my horizon. And while my joking answer is that someday I'd really like to kiss someone taller than myself (a girl can dream, can't she?), my requisite characteristics are surprisingly few. I am hoping and expecting someone educated, motivated, and honest who expects the same things from me. Read: a guy who respects my education and ambition and isn't cowed by them. I honestly don't know if a guy like that exists. After boyfriend number two I was sure he didn't. But this semester has introduced me to some guys who have somewhat restored my faith in the opposite sex.
This is yet again the late night ramblings of a girl who is, in all honesty, supremely confused with life right now. The things I was always taught I was supposed to be I'm not and I'm realizing that's okay. The latest realization came when my grandfather told me that he was proud of me for wanting a PhD and that he hopes "the young man" will just wait for me to get it. I admit that I had thought for some time that my not being married by age 20 was an extreme disappointment, along with the fact that dating had been a non-issue in my life since age 19.
I'm not writing this for pity or applause. I'm just writing it to write. Mostly to get myself to stop analyzing my current crushlessness and get back to my paper. Boyfriend number two always accused me of prefacing things. He thought it weakened whatever came next. Maybe he's right. And maybe this epilogue is weakening everything I said. But this is me. A little tired, a little doped up (still on that cold medication), but me all the same.
Good night.
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11 comments:
I would like to say "whatever" to your whole general "I haven't had a crush on anyone this week" post. I think that you have had a massive crush on Rex for at least 5 days and that should count for something.
On the other hand I'm going to thank you for all girl kind for not going to RS today. My ward has seriously been on the "hurry up and get married" kick for at least three months now...every week I listen to someone tell me how to be a good wife and whom I should be looking for...and I'm already like, please Lord, I already want to get married, stop making me feel inadequate and help me meet some interesting guys. For some reason I don't think that I will learn the secret trick to making myself attractive/interesting to the opposite sex in RS. I probably don't have enough faith.(:D)
K: I'm going to consider the fact that you stayed up all night writing a paper and ignore the beginning of your post. As for the rest, yes, well. . .
Kapka, I am totally impressed and envious of your display of complete control over / lack of sex drive. Eight months (which I know isn't a long time comparatively speaking) without kissing/holding hands/cuddling during the movie/having someone I want to talk to at the end of the day every day is almost enough to make me squirly some days. Someone should create an anti-sex-drive drug and market it to LDS single adults. I can't believe I just said that.
For the record, I never mean to start these conversations, but as long as we're going. . .
I don't know if I'm envious of Kapka or not. It's been a while since I had someone to kiss/cuddle with/talk to at the end of the day. I don't quite remember the first two and as for the last, well, I have this lovely blog. This post wasn't an I want or I don't want to get married post; it was an I'm satisfied with my life right now, thank you very much.
And hatemeplease, I don't agree with you. What's more, I don't think you believe what you're saying. But feel free to argue with me on that point. I only wonder if you've offered your potential lady friend this advice. Or is it just monologue you save for younger sister types?
Yay! Now HMP is the jerk of eg's blog! I'm free at last! I'm free at last...!
K: When have you ever been a jerk? Just wondering.
HMP: I was talking about your opinion that "marriage is for suckers." Thank you, however, for that enlightening if brief dating history. I can now take you off my short list.
The bishopric in my singles ward always apologizes to us before giving a marriage sermon. Maybe it's because most everyone in my ward is freakishly old (30s) and still unmarried. Perhaps they don't want to rub salt on all our imagined wounds. Maybe that's the key to avoiding bothersome marriage chatter: age, and age quickly.
I was the jerk a couple of weeks ago with the creepy post. Not anymore. I am redeemed. HMP is the jerk.
(I realize that telling people that HMP is a jerk while insisting that I am not a jerk only reinforces my status as 'jerk.' HMP: thanks for taking it like a man.)
what am I badass at? do not say making cakes. i will kick you.
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