it is

very very late. or very very early, depending on which direction you're heading. and for most people it wouldn't be either. i, on the other hand, no longer have a recognizable sleep pattern. i just sleep. a lot and at inappropriate times. which is why i didn't sleep last night. i told myself that sleep was not allowed until i have this chapter done. it's closer, but nothing meriting an all-nighter. although, based on this week's sleep, i'm not sure the past 12 or so hours qualifies as an all-nighter.

.

i stole periods from th. for this blog, and for that one poem i wrote a year ago.

.

all applications are in, as of yesterday when i was pretending i was going to have a productive day, which i would then interpret as a good day.

.

i know what i want to write. both in this blog and in the chapter. but everything keeps getting mixed up so Creech's Judas and my sleeping patterns and Kneehigh's A Matter of Life and Death, which I saw in London and read sometime this week, and various TV sitcoms and epithalamions and everything else don't have a clear place.

.

i just want to write poetry. please.

confession/post 500

I just right aligned a poem. And it kind of works.

Dammit.

499

Where do titles come from?

I'll tell you.

I don't know.

********************

Seriously, I need help here. Strong poem, absolutely no title. I'd really like to include it in my manuscript for Denver, but I refuse to not have a title and no one word or phrase really stands out as title material. Can't I just be Dickinson and use numbers?

huh

I'm working on a poem when I hear a knock on my door. Answer it. Find two home teacher-y types from the ward. Invite them in.

They asked what I was working on. I tell them I was writing. They ask what. "A poem." One asks if it's an assignment or if it's "just for fun."

Okay, so the poem wasn't assigned (hi, no classes really). But "just for fun"? No. Not at all.

exactly how it is, everytime

I've had too many thoughts in my head to put any two together for a blog. And a one sentence blog isn't really my thing. Not that it can't be done. It can. I've seen it done. Read it done. Still not me.

So where I am right now: In the Hole (what was once the basement, my apartment, my flat, and the Fen). The Hole is a bit of a mess. Actually, it's a killer mess. Dirty dishes, dirty floor, file cabinet in front of the couch (so it's a loveseat, but so inappropriate). Tomorrow is going to be the day of cleaning. Promise.

Tomorrow is also the day of the thesis. It's coming. Coming coming coming. It will be done. This chapter will be done for Monday.

On a higher note, or a different note, I did get a job. Source checking my brains out. Not my favorite way to pass the time, but I can do it and do it well. Go me.

The best part has been doing reading and writing I don't have to do. I'm sitting in on Kim's classes, reading Summa Lyrica and brilliant contemporary poets (brilliant even if they do insist on right-aligned poetry, which I can't decide if I like). Brilliant classmates as well. (Can I call them my classmates if I'm not technically in the class?)

The only thing I really want to do now is write. And sleep. Write and sleep. The perfect life.

a post on emptiness

I don't know if I can explain how empty I feel right now. Maybe all you would have to do is look at the posts from last year--so much emptiness. It's that moment at the end of a story when it's not a happy ending, not a sad ending, when life just keeps going and you're left feeling unsatisfied and unhinged. Which is what life is. I keep looking for the "The End" sign for this chapter of my life, but there isn't a sign. There is this emptiness. Not happy, not sad. Empty. No roommate, no job, no friends I see every day, no one who needs me. But there is my thesis, my sister's family, my friends who are still in contact. I feel as if I'm waiting to be filled up. This isn't a religious question so much as a life question, that "So what?" Hickman is so fond of writing on my thesis chapters. What has all this meant? What does all this mean? Am I going to find out? So much happened last year, right down to the final coutdown with K and me holding our henna tattoos away from our sides so they wouldn't smear while the rest of the world ran into each other. So much. Is it right for me to feel empty?

26 Dresses

A few months ago I predicted that 27 Dresses would be my movie for the new year. It doesn't hit theaters until January 11, but yesterday I stumbled upon a sneak preview and I dragged K along. We were late (stupid parking in stupid SLC), so we only saw 26 Dresses (quip courtesy of K), but I still thought the movie was worth blogging about. (At this point, anything is worth blogging about as long as it's not my thesis.)




Please note that there will be spoilers, although none of them should come as a surprise if you've ever seen five minutes of a romantic comedy.



Katherine Heigl plays Jane, a perpetual bridesmaid and the owner of the 27 title dresses. Jane is super-organized, super-efficient, and super-super. She's super in love with weddings and romance and articles written by Malcolm Doyle, a wedding columnist for the New York Journal. She's also super in love with her boss George (note to self: blog about how George is not a sexy name), played by Edward Burns.
As mentioned earlier, K and I missed the 25th and 26th dresses because we missed the first ten minutes of the movie, but while wearing them, Jane meets Kevin Doyle (played by surprisingly adorable and just possibly outdoor material James Marsden). The next day, Jane arrives to work to find flowers on her desk and her sister Tess arrives from Italy and her super-glamourous life as. . . something. Missed that.

We can speed up this next part: Jane goes to party, George goes to party, George mentions he left something on Jane's desk, Jane assumes flowers, George means dry cleaning ticket, Tess shows up for drinks, George meets Tess. Oh, and Kevin sent the flowers.

Tess falls for George, George falls for Tess, and suddenly Jane is planning her sister's wedding to the man of Jane's dreams. In the meantime, Kevin is booking it after Jane--literally. In one of my favorite moments of the movie, Kevin returns Jane's day planner, but only after penning his name in every Saturday for the rest of the year.

Here's the spoiler/twist you may not see coming: Kevin Doyle is Malcolm Doyle. He's writing an article about Tess and George--but he's also writing an article about Jane's state as a perpetual bridesmaid. Hence the booking. Sad, because he really is cute. Cynical and cute make an excellent leading man.


The movie works itself out exactly as it's supposed to, complete with a boat scene and "Benny and the Jets." And most importantly, as K pointed out, Jane gets around to kissing both guys. We awarded the movie 3.5 out of 5 stars, mostly because Marsden wasn't on screen enough. He really was that cute.

Happy Christmas

I know I'm American and that an American who says "Happy Christmas" is pretenious. But if you're reading this blog, you know that at times I can be pretenious. Just a little.

I've been considering a long list of possible Christmas-y posts. Something about how I've given up my Grinch-like ways or how my mom keeps trying to create new Christmas "traditions" or how the baby has taken over Christmas. And then the Christmas Eve present happened and it wasn't pajama pants--it was "Jenkins University" t-shirts. Not sure what message they're trying to send with those. . . but I did promise that I'd walk if they wore them to graduation. I'm just not sure which definition of "walk" I should say I meant.

Speaking of definitions, I took a test yesterday. A test. I haven't taken a test in at least a year. But this was for a job (have I mentioned that I'm currently jobless?) that I'd really love. And I got stuck on the first question: List five of your favorite books and explain why. I had to come back to it.

So what Santa needed to bring me was a job. A job, an acceptance to a PhD program, and, to quote my grandfather, "a fat little friend" (i.e., gentlemen caller). Maybe a car. And a finished thesis.

I did get a chair.

SOS: Millennium Bridge

I'm trying to put the finishing touches on my graduate applications. This is one poem I'm hoping is nearing completion, or at least presentability. Is that a word? Oh well. Please to tell me what you think.

Millennium Bridge

St. Paul’s grows larger, larger until I
am standing on its roof,

the city small at my feet,
the city spiraling at my feet.
I can see from here—

here where breath comes cold,
and draws back to the river,
crawls across the river

to the heat of the Globe,
to the false sun heavy setting.
I hold it between my fingers,

hold it all, let go, wait to disappear
in audience applause.

TMI

Every time this time of the month rolls around, I recite the few lines I remember from a 319 poem: "It's a relief / when the blood comes." I didn't particularly like the rest of the poem--are you supposed to like 319 workshops?--but I can't shake those lines. And the thought that maybe this should be a relief. But right now my legs are cramping up and I know any craving I satisfy will result in stomachaches for what will seem like forever. I'm sure there are worse things. I'm sure I'll experience worse things. But right now, there's no relief.

on chapped lips

I've known what I was going to title this post since just before 9:00 this morning when I was standing in line at Cougar Copy trying not to kick or cuss at the idiots in line in front of me. I'm not sure exactly what the post is about, but I do have an idea of what I want to include:

1. I post pictures--pictures--of John Krasinski and Jake Gyllenhaal and only get two comments? Seriously? Seriously? (P.S. I love Edgy and Th. more than you right now.)
2. My 218 is rocking workshop. I've never been so pleased with a class before. Which brings me to
3. To kick off workshop I brought in a few of my poems that are in progress. After some really smart comments, "Millennium Bridge" is now two poems that I need to work on instead of one. But I can't work on it because I have to work on
4. thesisgradappsacapcaproposal. Who has time fore all this? All this and
5. Christmas shopping. If only more people were as forthcoming and subtle as Grover.
6. Okay, enough of the annoying numbers skipping through sentences.
7. Kapka (aka MLH, but I still think of her as Kapka), Cassie Keller, and Emily Dyer are all reading on Friday. This promises to be the best student reading ever (mostly because I won't be tempted to throw anything at any reader).
8. This week at International Cinema: As You Like It. Next week: Devdas. Can life get any better? Only if IC were open Mondays.
9. I should take the time to make it to 10, but since numbers have never been my thing, I'm not even going to try. I am going to end with one final jubilation: Anna is coming! And staying at my house, which now comes with heat and a vacuumed floor!

P.S. I do have chapped lips, but since its not the result of anything interesting, who cares?

because tomorrow there will be more important things to blog about

Thanksgiving was a success, if Thanksgiving means eating until you pass out. Go turkey!



The rest of the week/weekend is kind of a blur. My family saw Enchanted. Sven and I introduced the rest of the family to Indian cuisine. I spent a few days holed up in the extra office at my dad's law firm working on the thesis. Shopping with Mom, where I saw this:

After this ad, everything paled in comparison. Still does.

Christmas begins in two weeks. . . bring it on.

P.S. (Because sleeping is just not happening.)

What Kind of Guy Will You Fall For?
	You would fall for the sensitive guy. You'll find your future man wherever turtlenecks are sold. He will have depth, introspection, and a disturbing knowledge of musical theatre. And he may be a little weird. But hey, while your girlfriends cry over broken hearts, you'll be having Shakespeare read to you every night.
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

on thesising

After some half-hearted attempts to thesis yesterday, I made myself wake up early this morning and go to work with my dad today. Sure I'm in downtown SLC, but I'm also in an empty office where I have nothing to do but thesis. And blog. And facebook. But mostly thesis. So far, so good, although I have started a new D list. Currently on the D list is the author of How to Read the Bible as Literature who keeps referencing his past works as the "best" resources available on everything. He also likes to say "someone said this" and then footnote someone's name. Why not kill two birds with one stone? Or is it the same bird?

of blogging blogging blogging blogging blogging blogging

My blog is my homepage. . . which is probably not the best idea. But it is, and when I open my browser, I'm reminded of what I have or haven't posted, what I wanted to post but forgot, what I should be doing that doesn't include blogging.

I'm not always sure who these posts are for. I can't flippantly say "me," because at this point "me" is way off the charts. There are the people I first started blogging with and for--april. There are the friends I've picked up along the way. There are the people I want to impress. There are the people I want to notice what I write. Most of you (dear Reader, to quote Jane Eyre) fit in multiple categories. But I'm not sure that's why I'm writing.

Tonight I knew it was time for a new post, but everything feels the same: I write the poetry, the letter of intent, the thesis. I teach the classes. I make the promises and break the promises to myself. Nothing feels like it's working right now--I'm breaking down. Or I'm broken. I hate that feeling. On my wall I've posted the requirements for each school I'm applying to. I like to think that they're the solution, but I know that's not completely true. I want to be part of that conversation again, but I have to be able to function on my own.

My own. Not to go all Eponine on you, but that's my biggest problem right now. I feel so alone in this fishbowl city. Is Provo even a city? Either way, I miss having someone around--even if it was the crazy engaged roommate. I do have L and her husband and baby, but they're a unit I don't want to impose on any more than absolutely necessary. Maybe that's why I want to move on to a PhD: most of my friends have moved on and I feel left behind. Becoming part of the conversation elsewhere means becoming part of a community, a group of people who want to talk about writing as much as I do.

PhD or Bust.

of kissing

Inspired by Amanda's brilliant visit to my 218 class today, I'm thinking blog titles are going to go Montaigne. At least for a little while.

Here we go.

I posted last time-ish (a related blogthing has appeared since) about a poem I've been working on that I knew involved kissing to some extent. Problem is I haven't kissed anyone since 2002. So what does one do?

Option A: Slap on the red lipstick and hit campus. . . must first buy red lipstick.

Option 2: Keep an eye out for kissing couples. . . not hard, but ew.

Option something: Pull out the chick flicks. And watch the kissing scenes. In my pajamas. With popcorn, Diet Coke, and whatever else I can eat. Now we're talking. Bathroom scene in The Goodbye Girl. The rehearsal kiss in Some Kind of Wonderful. Bathroom scene (again) in 10 Things I Hate About You. Funeral kiss in {Proof}. Rebound boat kiss in Sliding Doors. And the classic geek kiss in Mona Lisa Smile.

My choices are a little unconventional, I know, but it was what was onhand. And you can't beat Goodbye Girl. Elliot Garfield is adorable. And Some Kind of Wonderful? Pretty in Pink done right, complete with the best girl friend offering to kiss the boy before his big date--with another girl.

And (drumroll) the result? The formatting is crazy, so I can't get it to look right, but if you want to see it, email me. And some of you are going to have to read it whether you want to or not.

Kissing Color?

Your Kiss is Pink

For you, kissing is pure happiness... simple as that. You definitely get a little blissed out from kissing, even if you're a bit shy about it. You won't kiss just anyone. Your kisses are special! Young at heart, you still get very excited the first time you kiss someone. Kissing Type: Generous People See Your Kisses as: Sweet You Kiss Best With: A Black Kisser Stay away from: An Orange Kisser

What Color Is Your Kiss?

everything I should be doing right now

does not include blogging. Or watching Project Runway (3, not 4, because 4 hasn't started yet). I could watch Paris, Je t'aime, but I want to save that for another day. Which will start in 17 minutes. Go team. But first I have laundry and Morri Creech and statement of purpose and poetry and tomorrow is conferencing for 218. I've never conferenced with my 218 students so this should be. . . interesting.





So things that make me happy. . .right now.

Prairie Schooner with Kimberly Johnson. And I like reading what other poets are getting published. So that I can be jealous and push myself to submit more.

Brian Doyle is coming Friday. Friday!

The Jane Austen Book Club Saw it yesterday at Movies 8. Stupid thing was out of focus half the time, but Hugh Dancy is adorable. And they did a pretty decent job adapting the book. Problem is, it wasn't a great book. Hmm. Still loved Hugh Dancy. Even if he is an indoor guy. Actually, he's borderline. I wouldn't mind him out in the woods.

"I have this thing about stories. I hate them. I think they're stupid." Robert

bruised

I can't sleep. I've tried so many times and I realize I have to change that statement. I can't sleep at night. I sleep at inappropriate times for inappropriate lengths. I can't sleep, but I'm more afraid that I won't wake up. Not never wake up, but not wake up in the morning or in the afternoon or whenever I've decided I should wake up. I've slept through concerts and parties and meetings and papers and

My head is too full right now. I tried to empty it today, organize it. But it's like organizing my house--I pull everything out, but never manage to put everything in its place. Right now it's all Morri Creech and statement of purpose and this poem I really want to write because I'm pretty sure it will be good but I'm missing the vocabulary because I'm missing the experience. Does that make sense? I became obsessed with pale Regina Spektor and her red red red lips singing. I like lips. I've liked lips ever since a boy told me I had lips that were perfect for kissing. He was my first kiss. Appropriate. Anyway, this poem is--I think--centered on kissing and speaking and the difference in the expressions. But that boy kissed me and then another boy kissed me and then the first boy came back to kiss me again. My last kiss was a long time ago and it was a goodbye kiss.

Ben Lee writes genius lyrics--not complicated, but genius. His lyrics are all messed up with these other words I'm trying to sort out. His words are relaxed, they don't resist the rhythm they've created. Every word I own is tense, is clenched teeth. No red lips, but not brown and quiet and relaxed either. I want the word "bruised" for my poem, but I feel bruised, I don't own bruised right now. Right now it doesn't belong. But then I wonder if I belong. Maybe I'm not the one who's supposed to write this poem. Did I spell write r-i-g-h-t earlier? I do that sometimes. Please forgive.

What I'm in love with right now

courtesy of one fabulous, concert-heavy weekend.

Ben Lee, including, but not limited to, beginning his set with "Begin," ending with "Catch My Disease (That's the Way I Like It)," and "Bruised" (with Ben Folds and Ben Kweller). He's the complete opposite of Regina Spektor in terms of aesthetics, but the same intensity in loving their music. I've been playing Awake is the New Sleep since TB suggested it to me. Heart.






Cary Brothers played just before Ben Lee (the Kahn Brothers opened). How can I not love someone who covered the Thompson Twins' "If You Were Here"?



















And finally. The Skinny Mice. There are so few words, so I took as many pictures as possible. I just plan on going groupie and showing up for every show.

Okay, I love these three. And there are a few other items on my "love" list right now. But for tonight, three is enough. Now go forth and listen.

The Skinny Mice @ Muse

3 Reasons to Love the Skinny Mice

Jimmy D

Laura

Rosie

Wait. . . what is Spencer doing there?

Can you say "Tin Whistle"?

Can you say "Genius"?