My blog is my homepage. . . which is probably not the best idea. But it is, and when I open my browser, I'm reminded of what I have or haven't posted, what I wanted to post but forgot, what I should be doing that doesn't include blogging.
I'm not always sure who these posts are for. I can't flippantly say "me," because at this point "me" is way off the charts. There are the people I first started blogging with and for--april. There are the friends I've picked up along the way. There are the people I want to impress. There are the people I want to notice what I write. Most of you (dear Reader, to quote Jane Eyre) fit in multiple categories. But I'm not sure that's why I'm writing.
Tonight I knew it was time for a new post, but everything feels the same: I write the poetry, the letter of intent, the thesis. I teach the classes. I make the promises and break the promises to myself. Nothing feels like it's working right now--I'm breaking down. Or I'm broken. I hate that feeling. On my wall I've posted the requirements for each school I'm applying to. I like to think that they're the solution, but I know that's not completely true. I want to be part of that conversation again, but I have to be able to function on my own.
My own. Not to go all Eponine on you, but that's my biggest problem right now. I feel so alone in this fishbowl city. Is Provo even a city? Either way, I miss having someone around--even if it was the crazy engaged roommate. I do have L and her husband and baby, but they're a unit I don't want to impose on any more than absolutely necessary. Maybe that's why I want to move on to a PhD: most of my friends have moved on and I feel left behind. Becoming part of the conversation elsewhere means becoming part of a community, a group of people who want to talk about writing as much as I do.
PhD or Bust.
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9 comments:
I know I've asked you before, but that was last year when the only thing that mattered was that you weren't coming to UW. Are you applying to any West Coast schools? Like, say, Berkeley? Davis? Oregon?
Just wondering...
.
(Berkeley?)
Right now, only one West Coast school--USC. The others are (from the West Coast) Utah, Denver, Houston, Ohio, Missouri-Columbia, Florida State.
Is there a West Coast school that I'm missing?
Berkeley.
No creative PhD at Berkeley.
Well if you're going to be so picky about it, you might as well just choose a school based on your own academic goals and not based on geographic proximity to me and Theric. I mean, you know, if you're into that kind of thing.
you'll be great great great at a phd. not that it's a problem solver--it is a least as stinky to leave friends behind as it is to be left behind. however, despite the initial loneliness and culture shock and knocks to one's intelligence it does feel good to be working on a phd. it keeps me going. and when i'm honest with myself, i feel happy about it. i wish you were coming to SC! so much.
the long and short of it is that i sympathize. i'll come live with you in december, ok?
Let's have a application party! You can write my statement of intent. Hurrah! When are you available this loooong weekend?
+ Eld Hale March 1996 Ensign
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