Sunday, July 08, 2007

white nights

L.M. Montgomery always describes her heroines (Anne, Emily) having "white nights": nights where there life comes to a crisis, where they have to examine their souls and decide what they want.

I think I'm in the middle of one.

The thesis is, of course, not done. It's also not as close to done as I was hoping it to be. I'm having immense problems with will power and focus and carpal tunnel and poetry and just being able to do this right now. It's come down to one night to do as much as I can. Tonight. In the morning I'll deliver what I have to Trent's door.

I've actually been composing funny blog posts about this subject. How I'm going to make it look longer (pull quotes, illustrations), "how to write a thesis" without doing any real work, etc. But tonight is panic time and I'm scared for my life. For my future. Because this is what I've always said I wanted to do: write, teach. You have to write to teach, but what if this isn't what I'm cut out for? And then the teaching goes away. I suppose there's always creative writing, but I'm seriously doubting my ability in that arena right now. I'm looking at three brilliant poets. I'm too scared to send anything out. I'll just be a girl with an MA who teaches part time and writes reviews of real poets.

White night, here I come. See you in the morning.


FoxyJ said...

I'm glad all my friends in grad school are writing blogs so I can find out that my torture in writing a thesis wasn't just because I was crazy. You can do it. Even if it's one page at a time. Or if you decide you need more time than you had thought, that's OK. It will happen, just trust yourself. And if it gets overwhelming, put it down and go eat some chocolate. It might take longer to write that way, but at least you will stay sane :)

heather said...

I have faith in you! I will be praying for you (although, I suppose it's a little late for that, because now it is morning and supposedly you are turning it in today?). Good luck!

Th. said...


A) You can write.

B) Relax whilst you panic.

C) Send me a bunch of your poems and I'll send them out for you. I'll make a lousy agent probably, given my minimal familiarity with the poetry rags, but I will do it for you. I'll send them all out somewhere so you can stop worrying about it. Seriously: I will.

D) Hope your night went okay.

indialect said...

As deathly pale as a white night is, there is generally resolution and renewed hope in the at the end of it. I hope this morning was peace-filled. I have faith in you, Blue.

Ginsberg said...

Remember that paper you presented about Doctorow's The March? Brilliant. Not only brilliant, it was the most poetic piece of academic writing I'd ever witnessed. If my opinion counts for anything, I'd say you're the real deal.

ambrosia ananas said...

Your thesis will be great. If you need sugary food or diet coke, give me a call. Good luck.

lady jane said...

I HEAR YOU! And love you. Good luck!


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