happy christmas

The Night Before Christmas
by Clement Moore

Actually, it was originally called “A Visit from St. Nicholas,” but apparently that ruins the ending.

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.

Santa Claus is Bishop Nicholas, who lived in the 4th century A.D. He was very rich, generous, and loving toward children. Often he gave to poor children by throwing gifts in through their windows. This was a problem when the windows were closed.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.

The average person gains 7 to 10 pounds during the holidays. Eat up.

And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.

Quick survey: How many of your parents actually slept on the night before Christmas? I mean, toy assembly alone keeps them up until what? 1, 2 in the morning? And then the kids are up at 4? This is just perpetuating another vicious myth.

Where were we? Clatter. . . matter. . . flash. . . snow. . . You know all this. Mostly filler.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.

Fact: Our idea of St. Nick was actually created by the Coca-Cola company. Seriously. So you can thank them for Coke, Diet Coke, Diet Coke with Lime, and Santa Claus.

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

"Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! On Donner and Blitzen!

Two thoughts on the reindeer: One, some people argue that they replaced Pagan gods. Two, this poem is the first time they were ever named. You’d think a poet could have done better.

So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of Toys, and St Nicholas too.

Okay, assuming Santa is strictly visiting Christian children, he still has 300 million children to visit in one night. And if each child gets a 2-pound toy, then the sleigh has to carry over 321,000 tons plus Santa and his holiday weight gain. In order to get everywhere, Santa has to travel at 650 miles per second. 321,000 tons at 650 miles per second would create such enormous friction, Santa and his reindeer would burst into flames.

Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night.